There is a restaurant in a nearby town that I had wanted to check out for quite some time. It looked very nice and the reviews were positive. It had all the hallmarks of a great place to have a business lunch or to have relaxing evening meal. A few days ago my wife, sister, and I decided to give it a try. The ambiance was all that the exterior promised and the service (and food) were excellent. But this visit led to one of the more bizarre encounters I think I’ve ever had.

Service was prompt, the waiter quickly taking our drink orders. After returning with our drinks he headed off to another table when an attractive elderly woman approached him, touched his elbow and told him that she was paying for our meal. She then turned to my sister and said, “I’m paying for your meal today because of your t-shirt. The t-shirt read “BE KIND”. The woman, let’s call her June, said, “I so believe in that idea. It’s so important to be kind to others and so I wanted to support you in your message.” She told us several times to order anything we wanted and even recommended the steak.

Now, I’m generally leary of these kinds of encounters and am always hesitant to order extravagantly, not wanting to appear to be taking advantage of another’s offer. Over the course of the next hour (give or take a bit) we learned quite a bit about our benefactor as she visited our table multiple times to share information and just generally engage in conversation. We learned that she was a retired actress and the ex-wife of a very successful musician. My concerns about taking advantage of her kindness appeared to be unfounded as the cost of our meal was likely little more than a rounding error on her wealth.

But I digress. In the course of our conversation she provided two pearls of wisdom that struck me. The one I want to focus on at the moment, is rooted in a story she told.

It seems she was talking with a young woman who was extolling the virtues of a man she’d met and with whom she was building a relationship. The girl spoke of his education, his important position in his company, and even his wealth. June asked her a simple question: “But is he kind?” Her point, she went on to say, was that all those other things are interesting, but they are not who that person is. If the girl chose to marry this man, the important thing was how he would treat her – was he kind? To June, this was the singularly most important characteristic of the man and the most important consideration in a marriage. Having lived the life of celebrity and money, she knew well how these things alone did not bring happiness and joy into life. She had seen relationships falter and fail when the temptations that accompany “success” become overwhelming. She related this back to her marriage to the musician whom she described repeatedly as one of the kindest people she’d ever known.

This post was prompted, for as I was researching some information on Emacs (a text editing software) I ran across the website of Protesilaos Stavrou. Specifically I ran across Why I Won’t Date You. In this essay he explores what it means to be an “actual person”. Part of the exchange looks like this:

A.: That is still too abstract for me. I am more of an activist, working with actual people. Not to imply that your take is wrong or somehow inadequate. There is a contrast with what I do. That’s all.

B.: I am also interested in actual people. Have you found any?

His point is that it is hard to find people who are truly themselves. Rather, people tend to conform to whatever the social norms for a given group are. Because we are conforming to someone else’s standards and expectations, we cannot be our “actual selves”. We expect people to adopt our values and expectations yet, when they do and the norms of two groups come in conflict, we often call such people two-faced or hypocritical for their behavior. Yet this is what we expect. We don’t want people to be themselves. We want them to be what we expect them to be and that differs depending on what group they’re currently engaged with. More to the point, we don’t like people who choose to be themselves, confidently, in all situations. We don’t trust them!

How often have you encountered a coworker who seldom, if ever, joins in group activities after work. How do you view them? Do you see them as being themselves or as being “stuck up” or “holier than thou”? Do you wonder why they don’t like you? Do you wonder what’s wrong with them? How does their silence or reticence make you feel? Does it make you uncomfortable?

In groups I tend to be very introverted. It is simply my nature. So, I tend to avoid social situations and when I’m forced into a situation (say, for example, at a conference where attendance is required) I tend to hang back, keep to myself. It’s not that I don’t like you or want to be around you. It’s just my comfort zone. Yet for many people what is comfortable for me makes them uncomfortable and so to quell their own discomfort they try to cajole me into stepping out of /my/ comfort zone. How ridiculous!

We all, I think, need to be comfortable and happy in who we are. We need to be that “actual person” Prot speaks of above. And more importantly, we need to allow others to be who they are. But most important of all, we need to be sure that we are kind to others, for that is perhaps the greatest gift we can give another.

“Is he (she) kind?” is the question we should always ask of our friends and partners. But the real question is, “Are we kind?”