Am I on “The Spectrum”?
For the past ten years I have worked from home. Although I interacted regularly with students and other faculty, those interactions generally took place by email (my preferred method) or, when interactivity was required, by phone, Teams, or Zoom. Actual face-to-face interaction was very limited. I liked it that way for, as odd as it may seem, I don’t actually like dealing with people directly. I say that’s odd because I have spent my entire career in a field that required not only face-to-face interaction but, as a nurse, often that interaction required intimate contact with others. And, while I did need to interact on a one-to-one level in the hospital, teaching allowed me to interact with students on a more generic level. Speaking to a class or conducting on on-line lesson is easier and less stressful for me than meeting one on one with an individual.
Stress, Stress, and More Stress#
Dealing with others face-to-face has always been a struggle for me. I hate parties and other gatherings where I’m required to ‘socialize’ and make small talk. I never learned how! I struggled to make sense of the social cues that others seems to intuitively understand. I never felt that I fit in. Any kind of social situation generated significant stress for me and so I tried to avoid it them whenever possible.
I have dealt with high stress levels since my early twenties (and perhaps before, I just don’t remember). Near constant headaches and Gastroesophageal Reflux disease (GERD) or acid indigestion, have plagued me since at least age 20. Depression negatively influenced much of my life. Since I began working from home where I have very limited interaction with others, however, both of those issues, and others related to stress, have abated. Headaches are rare and while I still have GERD (thanks to a hiatal hernia), I am no longer keeping TUMS in business. Clearly my social anxiety was at the heart of my stress issues.
And, a Bit of ADHD Didn’t Help#
I’ve known for some time that I have ‘controlled’ ADHD. What I mean by controlled is that over the years I’ve learned some coping strategies to help me manage some of the issues around ADHD. I’ve learned, for example, how to focus for short periods of time on some task and, at the same time, how not to hyperfocus on tasks. What do I mean by hyperfocus? Well, I’ve been known to spend 16 - 18 hours a day working on a project, forgetting to eat, ignoring family, and so on because I was so focused in on what I was doing. But while I sometimes experience hyperfocus, I also have issues finishing projects that I start. One of the key characteristics of an ADHD person is to become highly excited by a project then dig in, taking a project to, say, 80% complete, then losing interest. That’s me. It’s why I have at least two partial master’s degrees. I got to a certain point and simply lost interest, distracted by some other new, shiny topic that captured my attention. I have an FCC license as an amateur radio operator and spent a couple of thousand dollars on radios, though I don’t actually get on the radio (in fact, I don’t currently have any radios set up for use.) I hold an FAA certificate as a drone pilot, and own a drone though I seldom fly. I have photography and video equipment that sits idle because I became highly interested in those fields only to let them fall to the wayside.
Ah, Growing Up ADHD Before ADHD was a Thing#
Growing up in the 60’s and 70’s the concept of ADHD was not really well recognized. I was a behavior problem in class. I didn’t finish (or sometimes start) assignments. I forgot things. I was easily distracted and occasionally disruptive in class.
After some testing (who knows what kind since there was no testing for ADHD at the time), my high distractibility was attributed to boredom. It was thought that I tended to grasp things quickly so that I became bored in the classroom. Apparently they thought I was smart even though I was, and am, pretty average. But I also didn’t do well on the playground. I didn’t make friends easily. I was a poor, mildly uncoordinated athlete, so I was always one of the last ones picked for teams. I was different, though exactly how, I can’t say (it’s been more than 50 years, you know!)
Now lest you think that I am self-diagnosing (I’ll get to that shortly) I was actually professionally tested in the late 90’s, while in my mid-thirties, and officially diagnosed with ADHD, though I had developed compensatory skills which lessened its impact on me. I think there was some hesitance in assigning that diagnosis, given the masking behaviors I had developed. Looking back, though, I think part of that hesitancy may have been that adult ADHD wasn’t well recognized. I was tested in 1997, just three years after ADHD was added to the DSM-III as a legitimate diagnosis for adults1.
Enter the Spectrum#
In more recent years I have come to realize that, in addition to ADHD, I may be somewhere on the Autistic spectrum. Why do I say that? Well, let’s go back to that comment about hating social events. The primary reason I hate social events is that I could never figure out how to interact with others, to make small talk. Maintaining a conversation’s flow has always been a challenge. I struggled to read the social clues that others provide. I was known for saying things that, to me, were reasonable but were, to others, apparently insensitive or rude. It wasn’t intentional; I just didn’t recognize the problem. Years of practice has led to some improvement in that area, but given the option to attend a social event or not, I’ll choose “not” every time.
This whole social avoidance thing was a conundrum for my ex-wife. You see, I was working as a nurse and always interacted well with my patients. My wife was confused because I could be quite outgoing with my patients, in contrast to other social scenarios. She wanted to go to parties and visit with people and all the other social things people do. I generally refrained from going with her. The reason, as I explained to her one time, is because the work environment is a stage. I know the script, I know the bounds of the stage, I know the limits of the storyline. I don’t have to worry about small talk, per se, because the situation defined the conversation. But, when I’m in an uncontrolled social situation, I don’t understand the rules. I don’t know the limits and don’t have a script to follow. I said this, by the way, in the presence of a counselor who clearly did not recognize the signs.
Speaking of wives and other relationships, I often failed to discern the needs and wants of others. Well, that’s not exactly true. I could sometimes discern their needs and wants, but not often. As a consequence, I tended to act on my own interests, without really being aware of others’ interests. I wasn’t necessarily self-absorbed, though I think I came across that way, nor was I necessarily insensitive or uncaring. I just honestly didn’t understand what others needed. To that end, gift giving was a challenge because I could never determine what my wife or kids might want. The choices I made, though well intentioned, were seldom met with much appreciation. I actually warned my current wife that she would need to be specific in what she would like because it wasn’t in my wheelhouse to ‘devine’ these things.
Another common trait of autism is sudden, intense bouts of anger. What many call meltdowns. Well, that was me as a child and even today I struggle to deal with frustration without over reacting or becoming angry and even, at times, violent, though that violence is not aimed at people. My desk has taken quite a beating over the years, however. Anger is sometimes associated with the frustration of trying to manage multiple tasks. That earlier evaluation noted exactly that type of behavior.
As I dug into the topic, I learned ‘stimming’ is a common behavior and can take many forms. For me, this seems to be constant leg movements as well as picking at my skin, particularly my scalp. This is actually a behavior that I had not associated with anything other than mindless responses to itching. The problem being, of course, that I didn’t always itch!
Then let’s talk about impulse control. Although I am much better now, having developed some masking behaviors, I still have issues at times with impulse control. What I mean is jumping into the middle of conversations, interrupting others, and so on while talking with others. Doing things out of sequence or before they should be done because I’m impatient and want to get going. Acting before thinking in some cases.
My First Inkling that Something Wasn’t Right#
Many of the issues I’ve related are seen in hindsight. I didn’t recognize them at the time, nor did anyone else, apparently. It would be many, many years later before I really began to put the pieces together. And, though I didn’t know it at the time, perhaps the first hint that something was amiss was when, as a teenager I began working in a grocery store. One day one of the guys I worked with asked my why I never looked him in the eye. He noted that I always looked between his eyes as he pointed to his glabella (skin just above the nose where the eyebrows meet). It was a behavior that I had not known I was doing. Yet, the inability to look others in the eye is a common trait of ASD, though I didn’t know it at the time. Having him point it out to me, of course, made me conscious of it and I made a concerted effort to make eye contact. I still struggle with it sometimes, particularly with people I don’t know.
Given what I know (I haven’t divulged all my secrets!) about myself and about autism, I suspect that I’m somewhere on the spectrum. In fact, I recently took several online screening tests all of which suggested I seek professional help. Now, I admit that having done some reading on the topic I have a general sense of what answers lead to that outcome and this may bias those tests. Still, looking at my history and combining that with those assessments gives me a fairly good idea that my suspicion is correct.
So, am I self-diagnosing? Yes. Do I believe I am autistic? Probably. Am I going to get tested so that I have an official diagnosis? No.
Getting an actual diagnosis, particularly as an older adult is both expensive and challenging. I’ve had 60+ years of experience in developing compensatory mechanisms and masking behaviors for dealing with the challenges I face. As a healthcare provider and educator, I’ve also learned what the expected responses are, so, there’s some question as to how accurate any diagnostic testing would be.
My Next Steps#
More to the point, what would be the benefit? Will a diagnosis change how I do things? Will it lead to some magical improvements? The answer to those questions is “no”. There’s no magic bullet to treat the issues. It comes down to making a concerted effort to face those challenges and put myself in uncomfortable situations in order to develop those skills that are lacking. Or, alternately, to embrace my difference and live my life in a way that is consistent with my needs and preferences so that I don’t feel anxious and stressed. I’ve chosen, for the most part, this second path.
So, why have I written this? Well, mostly to explore my own thinking (which is the motivation for much of my writing) and to perhaps stimulate others to take a close look at themselves and their lives.